I’ve had this
post sitting in my drafts for over a year. To be honest, I wasn’t sure I’d ever
hit publish. It’s personal. It’s messy. But I truly believe that we should all
be having more realistic, transparent, honest conversations wherever possible.
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In love, I think it’s safe to say we’ve all been deeply hurt. Building an authentic connection with someone requires exposing vulnerabilities about ourselves that we can’t hide after a relationship ends. It hurts like hell, but the pain teaches us how to look out for ourselves. We move forward by picking up the pieces of our hearts and guarding those pieces because we want to protect ourselves from unnecessary hurt. However, if we take it too far, we end up sabotaging ourselves. Which is… exactly what I did. Repeatedly. Until it became my default mode of operation. I was really just trying to protect myself and my heart after all I’d been through, but naturally that tactic would backfire and lead to heartache, loneliness, and a deeper lack of trust within me.
Every painful experience became a brick that I used to build a wall around my heart. Sure, it may have represented a certain level of strength. For the most part it only caused an emotional blockage between myself and anyone I tried to get to know.
Exploring your own shortcomings and deepest fears isn’t easy. No matter how confident I was or told myself I was, there was always this tiny bit of insecurity inside of me wondering if I’m single because I’m just not good enough. I don’t think I’ve fully shared this “inner battle” with anyone in the way I probably should have. I think the reason why is because singleness is a really vulnerable topic for me.
Some nights, when I’m most alone with my thoughts, I see the shitty experiences I’ve gone through as confirmation for my singleness. As though these experiences are proof that there must be something wrong with me. I have always tried to share the beautiful side of who I am with everyone I meet; and yet I haven’t been able to find a stable relationship – at all. Not even something that remotely resembles one (lol). I know that I am kindhearted and genuine, but despite my committing personality, no one is willing to stay. At the same time, that’s okay. Because I obviously don’t want validation from anyone either.
I want to clarify I am not sharing this for sympathy. I am truly happy with my life and I don’t think my situation is a desperate one. There is also no rule book that says you have to settle down and meet someone. I don’t struggle with this fear because I care what society tells me or what others think, I have this fear because lifetime companionship is what I know I want. It's a battle between being content and happy alone while also feeling like I am hoping or preparing for something – something I have no way of knowing I’ll ever get. At times it can feel like I'm some sort of walking contradiction.
All this to say, I wasn’t always ready to be a good partner or find love, but I am now. I’ve gone through some hard chapters that made it possible to be ready. I believe now that I am deserving of love. I have learned that maintaining meaningful relationships requires a willingness to let people in but also be guarded about who we trust. And I’m hopeful that one day I will end up where I’m meant to be.
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