A Post I Don't Want to Write

    I’ve been trying to write this post for several weeks now and for some reason I just can’t get it done. I keep sitting down to write it, putting a few things on paper and then getting frustrated when I’m not able to articulate what I’m trying to say. I’m not able to even explain the thoughts to myself, much less put it into words.
    2020 has been so strange in many ways, and I’ve learned so much this year, I really have. But I think the truth is that I’m still learning and trying to figure some of these lessons I’ve been faced with. They’re still in progress – so to say. As much as I’ve been trying to figure it all out, I can’t seem to articulate my thoughts “perfectly” yet. This really frustrates me. I will mention that this year alone I’ve walked through a lot of stuff including a very unexpected and confusing loss of a grandparent, dealing with my past in strange (yet also cathartic) ways, and navigating some side effects from a chronic condition.
    I’ve been faced with grief a few times in my life but this year I got to know it differently that I ever have before. To put it simply, eventually, the time will come when you are suddenly, grandparent-less. I'm still trying to wrap my head around my own new reality. As a 28-year-old, I’ve realized that I’m in a bit of an unusual position for my age. It’s probably because my parents had me comparatively late, but most of my friends still seem to have at least one or two left. I can’t help but envy my friends and feel a bit sad about how that isn’t something that’s part of my life anymore. My grandparents won't be at my wedding. My kids will never get the opportunity to meet them. I regret the questions I should have asked, but never did.
    Sometimes it's really hard for me to see other family. I’ve learned that as nice as it is to be around people when you’re feeling the strange and uncomfortable feelings of grief, I personally have to be alone to truly feel it, better yet endure it. There’s a certain degree of vulnerability that you’ll allow yourself to experience when you’re alone that simply doesn’t happen when you’re with other people. Or maybe that’s just me? Grandparents are the best at uniting everyone. Like many, some of my favorite memories of the whole family were sitting round a big table on Christmas Eve with grandma and grandpa at the center of it all. When your last grandparent dies, there's suddenly a big hole in the family. A direct connection with the past is gone along with the wisdom of an entire generation.
    Grief is weird. It's weird and it looks different for everyone. As you get older and experience more life, grief will enter in some way or another. And when it does (or if it already has), I hope you remember that it’s okay to feel weird and confused and alone. Don't forget to let yourself feel the things and go through it because if you try and avoid it, you’ll have to deal with it later and it’ll be much worse. Remember that all your feelings are normal and it’s okay to not be okay. Give yourself some grace.