Grief: Expected and Unexpected

 

Nobody responds to loss in the same way. Every person has a unique personality and faces different circumstances that plays a role in their grief.
The death of someone we love is always difficult. I’ve had multiple losses in my life and not one of them has affected me the same. Sure, there are similarities, but there are also many differences. As we navigate the grief journey, or help someone who’s grieving, I believe the most important things we can do is to extend empathy and be mindful of respectful of the differences in our circumstances.
Through my own experiences, I’ve noticed that one of the biggest differences we can face is whether the death was anticipated, like the passing of a loved one who battled an illness, or sudden, like the unexpected death of a friend. The grief is deep in both of these cases. For those who have experienced both sides of the coin, you know exactly what I am talking about.

To give an instance, the death of my grandmother was anticipated. She had dementia and eventually it became unsafe for her to live on her own. It was with great sadness that we watched her keen mind fade away with the lingering knowing that she would one day succumb to the disease. We didn’t know when, but it was inevitable. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was definitely struggling with anticipatory grief; the grief you feel when you experience the loss of a person who's still alive.
With anticipatory loss, some well-meaning friends or family can  minimize the pain of others by saying things like, “It was expected, now that it’s over, you can finally move on.” I’m still amazed at how prevalent this view is in society. Its as if people expect you to not be sad because you were "sad" while they were here; do you notice how unsettling this is for someone to hear?

To illustrate the other side of the coin, the death of my father was completely unexpected. He was here one day and the next day he was just... gone. I was traumatized, scared and angry among many other feelings. As a 17 year old about to enter my senior year, I tried to cope by pushing away the pain and plunging into extracurricular activities at a frantic pace. I did anything I could to avoid being alone with my grief.
Individuals are usually experiencing a great shock in these situations emotions can be really raw and erratic. People don't often know how to relate to these feelings and will try to rationalize the death. Do not try and soothe someone who’s had a sudden loss by telling the person things like, “At least he didn’t have to suffer long.” This view is limiting and damaging for those who are just trying to navigate life and cope with their pain.
I’ve learned that there’s no time limit for “getting over it,” and “moving on,” because we never “get over it,” and “move on.” The life we create after loss doesn’t just put grief behind us. However, I’ve also learned that if we work with our grief and let ourselves feel our emotions, the grief will change us. It will soften our hearts and give us the gift of helping others through the darkness.